Finding Balance

My original intent with this blog was to focus on wedding or photography related content and to post something once a week on Friday nights. I met this goal for two weeks straight but the crazy upset of balance in my life has resulted in me publishing this week's post a day late. And you know what? That's okay. Sometimes, balance is not the answer. So, I've decided to explore the issue of finding balance, as it pertains to me.

I am a pretty busy bee. I am an office manager Monday through Friday, 8 am to 5 pm. At least, those are the business hours. But I am salaried and I am a manager, so basically, I come in early or stay late and do what is required to get the job done. I get paid the same amount, either way. My commute is about an hour, hour and half, each way. By the time I get home, I have about an hour, hour and a half to spend with my 22 month old before he goes to bed. I also have to find a way to squeeze in dinner, a workout, and some wind-down time. I also work part-time as a professional photographer for a wedding venue in Driftwood, Texas. This is mainly during wedding season, from March-November, so a lot of Fridays and weekends are spent away from my family. In my "spare time" (ha! See where I'm going with this?), I am building my website and trying to promote my own photography business, so I can one day escape my hellish daily commute and commit more time to my little boy and to myself. 

There are a lot of lines crossing in the scenario above. I'm trying to spread my time among all of my pursuits while still being available to raise my child and set aside time for myself. And it is hard. REALLY hard. There are some days when I just want to call it quits with everything but my baby, buy an RV, and just run away and never look back. Some days I sit in traffic jams in the evening and cry because that hour, hour and a half with my baby is slipping away and I have no control over it and I feel like the worst mama every, like I'm letting a good job with benefits stand in the way of spending more time with my son. I'm sure the people driving by think I'm a ninny, sitting in my car and bawling. There are times when I am shooting a wedding and we are in our seventh and final hour and I feel like I am wasting my time taking photos I can't even use on my website to promote my own business, never mind the fact that it is more time away from my little one, and I have to remind myself that I have an amazing opportunity to be paid well while gaining more experience. Plus, I love the people I shoot with and for. They are an amazing group of people who take great care of their employees. 

Balance is not equality. I have learned it does no good to budget equal amounts of time for all of my responsibilities/pursuits. Some of them require more time or more quality time than others. I'm lucky enough that I have a 3-4 month break between wedding seasons to focus more time on family and my own business. I'm also fortunate to have a partner who is an amazing father to our son. I know my baby boy almost always gets quality time with at least one of us. Balance means knowing myself well enough to know WHAT amount of time I can commit, or the quality of the time that I can commit to a certain activity. Balance, above all, means taking care of myself first, so that I can commit to others. A good example of this was this past week, when I came down with something AWFUL. I have a very serious viral infection coupled with what I'm pretty sure was/is strep throat. I'm still waiting for lab results. I called off my 8-5 job on Tuesday, crawled into work and was sent home Wednesday, went to the doctor Wednesday after leaving work, and was instructed by my doctor to stay home until Friday. I crawled into work Friday still not feeling well. I've woken up every night with a fever. It's been a struggle. And all this time I am still a mom, I still want to play with my kid and get things done and it's really hard because I have to come face to face with my breaking point. I made myself sleep a lot this week. I made myself take it easy and rest and get better. I haven't worked out in a week so I have to work really hard to be nice to myself and not put myself down for going off schedule.

So yeah, finding balance is what it's all about. I think it will always be a struggle because I will always have pursuits. I think if i felt comfortable enough where I didn't have to juggle anything, then there would be something wrong with my life. Something would be missing. Maybe motivation? Maybe the drive to improve myself and my condition in life for my child? I just have to remember…it's OKAY to feel like things are a little unbalanced, because they probably are. I just need to make sure I am taking care of myself so I am around to do what I love to do for as long as I want to do it.

Pros and Cons of Phones During a Wedding Ceremony

Something to consider when planning your wedding...should you encourage guests to put away their mobile phones during your ceremony? 

The reason I say "encourage" rather than "insist" is simple. Let's face it...if you ask guests to put their phones away and Aunt Margaret whips out her phone and snaps a pic of your epic first kiss as a married couple, what are you going to do about it? What CAN you do about it? It's not like you're going to have her escorted off the premises or refuse to send her a thank you card for the amazing 500-count Egyptian cotton sheet set she bought you as a wedding gift, right? In all seriousness, however, the decision whether or not to allow phones should not be made lightly. And here's a disclaimer - if you're already married (HA!) to the idea of allowing or not allowing phones during your ceremony, then the following read is not for you...unless, that is, you're trying to convince your partner to see things your way. Welcome to marriage. Let's examine possible pros and cons:

PROS 

• Not everyone accepts a wedding invitation. Some people take photos so they can share the event with people who could make it to the wedding. Allowing people to take photos with their phones means that people who couldn't make it may get a chance to enjoy your day without being physically present.

• Everyone has a different creative vision. People taking photos snap pictures taken from their point of view. Sometimes it's fun just to see what they come up with!

• Even with two photographers, not every single moment can be captured. We can only be in two places at any given time. Your guests can record images that we might miss, or even the same images from different angles.

• People with phones can take selfies! Your guests and family do not have to deal with the frustration of tracking down a photographer and asking, “would you please take our photo?” Lots of people spend some good money on dresses, outfits, hair and makeup to attend a wedding and want to record the moment. I realize these sorts of photos don't usually occur during a ceremony, but I have photographed weddings where all phones were highly discouraged.

• People are just plain addicted. Keeping their addiction fed keeps them complacent, happy…and CALM. Never underestimate CALM guests at a wedding. 

• People are probably going to bring their phones anyway, even if you discourage them. The reality is, people want to be connected to family and friends, some of which may not be attending. These guests will be more comfortable if they are able to check in with their people when needed. Comfortable guests = HAPPY DAY. Seriously.

• Weddings are a great place to meet new people or get to know people better – people use their phones for more than just taking pictures, often storing numbers of people they want to connect with, or looking them up on social media. To think, your wedding day could be the jumpstart of a lifetime of bliss for a non-suspecting couple. Who would have guessed?!

• From a photographer’s standpoint – we love getting our picture taken while working – it’s great exposure (haha, get it?) =0) 

Cons

• People are distracted. They are not paying attention because their focus is on their phone. When you spend that much money and time on a wedding and on YOU, of course you want people to be paying attention and appreciating your hard work and attention to detail. There’s just something strikingly peaceful and intimate about a ceremony where everyone is involved without distraction and the only people taking photos are the paid professionals.

• Sorry, there's just not a nice way to say this...people taking pictures with phones often get in the way of the photographer. We are paid to do a terrific job recording your best moments and preserving your memories. While we appreciate avid photographers, sometimes people with phones crowd into the best locations, which we need access to. We are trying to step lightly around everyone during the ceremony and not block anyone’s view for an extended period of time…some people do not exude the same courtesy. Especially in smaller venues. This doesn't just apply to people with phones, either. I photographed a wedding where the uncle of the bride was a semi-professional photographer. He brought a DSLR camera and proceeded to stand beside me during the bridal party and family portraits and start directing people how to pose and where to look. As a result, in half of my photos, the bride and groom were looking at HIM and not ME. 

• A lot of flashes can be distracting. If it’s a cloudy day and people are using their phone flashes to capture clear images, the resulting flash parade can resemble a swarm of paparazzi, instead of an intimate, beautiful celebration of love. You want to be focusing on your dearly beloved and your vows, not the sound and sight of camera phones flashing and snapping pictures.

• Fewer crappy photos will flood social media. While camera phones have come a long way and Pinterest and Instagram has led many to believe they are naturally talented shutterbugs, leaving the photos to paid professional photographers ensures only the best photos will go public. There won’t be dozens or (GASP!) hundreds of pics floating around out there of you with your mouth hanging open or your eyes half-closed or your partner adjusting his fly. 

• There is nothing worse than a couple exchanging lifelong vows and someone’s phone ringing because its obnoxious owner forgot to put it on silent/vibrate before the ceremony. It ruins the moment and you can never get that moment back. It then becomes a moment remembered for the obnoxious guest and not the couple. Trust me, I've seen it happen, and it's a tragedy. In fact, it's the only thing I remember about that particularly wedding.

It's totally up to you whether you decide to encourage or discourage phones during your ceremony. It's my opinion that with smaller venues where the ceremony site allows fewer guests, it is best to either ban phones and cameras altogether, or instruct your guests to be aware of their surroundings and to defer to the photographer(s). I have seen beautifully crafted signs used at ceremonies to spread the word. Pinterest is a great resource for ideas! You could include a blurb in your wedding invitations. You could add a eye-catching line (think large, comedic, and/or rhyming) to your programs, which are usually strategically placed at the front of your venue and are picked up by guests upon their arrival. You could ask your coordinator to make an announcement before the ceremony (although late arrivals may miss the announcement). Either way you go, it needs to be your decision, and you shouldn't feel guilty whatever you decide. It's your day - you do YOU, Boo-Boo. 

A Photographer's Argument for a Coordinator

To-date, I've probably photographed roughly two dozen weddings. Right now I'm in between wedding seasons--I call it the off-season--and I've been thinking back over the truly memorable ones that I loved. I realized today that they all had one thing in common...they had a COORDINATOR. Yep, a coordinator. Kind of a scary word, right? Sounds pretty full of itself when you say it out loud. Well, a wedding has the potential to be kind of a mess without one. Trust me. I've witnessed the mess. Been smack-dab in the middle of said mess. In fact, with all the weddings I've been involved in, I cannot understand why a bride wouldn't insist on having a coordinator. I've tried to think of some common reasons why. I came up with three. I also offer some arguments to support why, for the love of all things matrimonial, you should get yourself a Day of Coordinator (DOC). Go on. Do it now.

REASONS (EXCUSES?) WHY WEDDINGS DON'T HAVE DOCs:

1. The couple is on a tight budget and is trying to save money (think - the less money we spend on the wedding, the more money we can throw toward our cruise to Aruba):

Hey, I get it! I'm a spendthrift. I prefer shopping clearance racks or buying used as opposed to buying new. And I have a pretty good idea how much money goes into paying for a wedding. You potentially have lodging, travel, food, cake, dress, shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup, alcohol, decor, flowers, tables, chairs, venue, photographers, videographers, car rental, gifts for the bridal party and parents...THE HONEYMOON...the list goes on and on. It adds up, even if you're trying to be thrifty. But take a look at the list I just gave you. That's a pretty basic list. That's also quite a lot of variables and something can go wrong with any one of those variables. It's the DOC's job to manage these variables to ensure the day flows smoothly. Imagine the peace of mind it would give you to know that all you need to do is get dressed, walk down an aisle, marry the love of your life, then party like it's hot. That's it. Your DOC makes sure guests know when and where to sit, who is escorting whom down the aisle, where guests go while the couple/family/bridal party has portraits taken, etc. They make sure everyone adheres to the timeline of events and best of all, they hopefully know who most, if not all, of the guests are, so they can coordinate people for pictures. I've photographed too many weddings where the bride had no DOC and was stuck yelling (literally) for people to come forward for pictures. An enjoyable time was not had by all. You don't have to spend a lot of money for a DOC. Volundraft your sister. Ask your best friend from college. Yes, it can be  your maid/matron of honor.  

2. The couple thinks the wedding is too small for a DOC.

Having a coordinator sounds intimidating. The wedding venue I work for is a small one, with a max guest count of 120. Many couples have far fewer than the max guest count. To them, I'm sure a wedding seems manageable without a DOC. Until THE BIG DAY. That's when the cake arrives late, the caterer gets lost, Mom is late to the venue, a dress strap breaks and has to be repaired, Grandma June is feeling frail in the late summer heat, the groom's recently divorced parents brought their new flames and are causing major drama all the way around, your sister's supposed to be helping with decor but her 6-week-old baby is being colicky and has to be nursed every hour...SO. MANY. THINGS. CAN. GO. CRAZY. All of this stuff can be handled by the DOC, leaving you free to enjoy a mimosa while your makeup artist does her magic, or while you enjoy a pre-ceremony beer with your buds. Repeat after me, "No wedding is too small for a coordinator." A coordinator is a Details Director, a Planner Pilot, a Mess Manager...you get the idea.

3. No one wants to lose control.

A lot of brides do not want to relinquish control of the wedding. A lot of planning goes into the event and as a bride, you are intimately involved with said planning and details, much of which started months, even a year ago. There is an intense desire for everything to go perfectly on the the big day. The problem is, without a DOC, you are going to be so worn out from trying to manage the chaos that you are not going to be able to enjoy one of the biggest (and happiest) days of your life. The good news is, if your DOC is someone close, like a family member or best friend, he/she should be familiar with your vision. After all, you picked him/her for a reason! Run through potential chaotic scenarios with your DOC and brainstorm backup plans. Backup Plan A, B, C, etc. Then on the big day, take a deep breath, step back, and allow someone else to run with the details that you so lovingly arranged, so that you can enjoy the fruit of your labor. Trust me, you deserve it.

A wedding can be a big, scary undertaking. Lately I've noticed a surge of independence among couples who want to accomplish things on their own, with their own resources. This is understandable. I did the same thing when I got married. In fact, confession time! I had NO coordinator for my wedding. I never even heard of a coordinator until I started photographing weddings! From personal experience I've now learned that coordinators can be affordable. They have a place at any size wedding. And utilizing a coordinator actually allows a couple more time to focus on what matters most at a wedding...each other.