My original intent with this blog was to focus on wedding or photography related content and to post something once a week on Friday nights. I met this goal for two weeks straight but the crazy upset of balance in my life has resulted in me publishing this week's post a day late. And you know what? That's okay. Sometimes, balance is not the answer. So, I've decided to explore the issue of finding balance, as it pertains to me.
I am a pretty busy bee. I am an office manager Monday through Friday, 8 am to 5 pm. At least, those are the business hours. But I am salaried and I am a manager, so basically, I come in early or stay late and do what is required to get the job done. I get paid the same amount, either way. My commute is about an hour, hour and half, each way. By the time I get home, I have about an hour, hour and a half to spend with my 22 month old before he goes to bed. I also have to find a way to squeeze in dinner, a workout, and some wind-down time. I also work part-time as a professional photographer for a wedding venue in Driftwood, Texas. This is mainly during wedding season, from March-November, so a lot of Fridays and weekends are spent away from my family. In my "spare time" (ha! See where I'm going with this?), I am building my website and trying to promote my own photography business, so I can one day escape my hellish daily commute and commit more time to my little boy and to myself.
There are a lot of lines crossing in the scenario above. I'm trying to spread my time among all of my pursuits while still being available to raise my child and set aside time for myself. And it is hard. REALLY hard. There are some days when I just want to call it quits with everything but my baby, buy an RV, and just run away and never look back. Some days I sit in traffic jams in the evening and cry because that hour, hour and a half with my baby is slipping away and I have no control over it and I feel like the worst mama every, like I'm letting a good job with benefits stand in the way of spending more time with my son. I'm sure the people driving by think I'm a ninny, sitting in my car and bawling. There are times when I am shooting a wedding and we are in our seventh and final hour and I feel like I am wasting my time taking photos I can't even use on my website to promote my own business, never mind the fact that it is more time away from my little one, and I have to remind myself that I have an amazing opportunity to be paid well while gaining more experience. Plus, I love the people I shoot with and for. They are an amazing group of people who take great care of their employees.
Balance is not equality. I have learned it does no good to budget equal amounts of time for all of my responsibilities/pursuits. Some of them require more time or more quality time than others. I'm lucky enough that I have a 3-4 month break between wedding seasons to focus more time on family and my own business. I'm also fortunate to have a partner who is an amazing father to our son. I know my baby boy almost always gets quality time with at least one of us. Balance means knowing myself well enough to know WHAT amount of time I can commit, or the quality of the time that I can commit to a certain activity. Balance, above all, means taking care of myself first, so that I can commit to others. A good example of this was this past week, when I came down with something AWFUL. I have a very serious viral infection coupled with what I'm pretty sure was/is strep throat. I'm still waiting for lab results. I called off my 8-5 job on Tuesday, crawled into work and was sent home Wednesday, went to the doctor Wednesday after leaving work, and was instructed by my doctor to stay home until Friday. I crawled into work Friday still not feeling well. I've woken up every night with a fever. It's been a struggle. And all this time I am still a mom, I still want to play with my kid and get things done and it's really hard because I have to come face to face with my breaking point. I made myself sleep a lot this week. I made myself take it easy and rest and get better. I haven't worked out in a week so I have to work really hard to be nice to myself and not put myself down for going off schedule.
So yeah, finding balance is what it's all about. I think it will always be a struggle because I will always have pursuits. I think if i felt comfortable enough where I didn't have to juggle anything, then there would be something wrong with my life. Something would be missing. Maybe motivation? Maybe the drive to improve myself and my condition in life for my child? I just have to remember…it's OKAY to feel like things are a little unbalanced, because they probably are. I just need to make sure I am taking care of myself so I am around to do what I love to do for as long as I want to do it.